Hey, Cocktale Clubbers!
When it comes to sexting, I am a firm believer that there is an effective way to sext and there is an ineffective (aka cringy) way to sext. Many people do not think before they text and it results in truly avoidable awkwardness. In fact, far too often I have encountered guys who attempt to sext me and I am left annoyed, uncomfortable, and sometimes even feeling objectified.
sexting is an art, people. master it.
So, to better help you all navigate the sexting waters, especially nowadays when some of us can’t be in contact with the opposite sex, I have put together a little sexting guide (because what else can one be doing during this damn quarantine thing?) that’ll hopefully alleviate all potential embarrassment and discomfort for both parties involved. You’re welcome.
That said, here is your sexting guide, folks —
number one: actually get consent
Far too often, people confuse interest with consent, and unfortunately, that has resulted in so much unfortunate turmoil. Being interested and/or attracted to someone and having those same feelings reciprocated is not consent. just because we both may find each other attractive does not automatically mean that I want you to send me dick pics or to start telling me how and where you want to fuck me. Simple as that. And while you may not like asking for consent (because in asking, you open yourself up to be rejected), it is seriously totally necessary. If you are incapable of asking the other person, “Hey, I am feeling naughty. Want to sext?” then you shouldn’t be sexting. Also, allow me to preface all of this by saying that a good way to get a feel for the person’s comfort level is to obviously ask, of course, but you can also just pick up on their tone. Never assume, but if the person seems closed-off and not into being sexual, then you may not even want to ask. But, regardless, always ask.
number two: be authentic
In my experience, if I have consented to sexting someone and have already been intimate with them and/or know what they are actually like in the bedroom, I do not want them pretending they’re someone they’re not. Meaning, I do not want them talking differently than they would in the bedroom. Does that make sense? And yes, people are allowed to try new things and experient; being open-minded is awesome. However, I am referring to when I have been with someone and for some reason, we are apart (i.e. distance). All of this to say that you should be you and be authentic when sexting. Do not be fake or try to be cool or any of that. The other person will pick up on that and not be into it anymore. Trust me.
number 3: be mindful of the timing
If your crush or partner is having a bad day or their cat just died, sexting is not what they want. Hate to break it to ya, but that is the honest truth. That said, always feel out the mood before assuming they want to sext just because you’re horny and want to see some naughty pics. a good rule of thumb is to slowly start sexting by flirting first. This could be as simple as receiving a picture of them in a cute outfit and you respond by saying something sexy and flirty (i.e. “you look so sexy in xyz but it would look better on the floor” — basic but cute/flirty) and their reaction will most likely be a good indicator of whether or not they’re in any type of mood to sext ya. But always remember that it’s not always about you and that trying to get somebody to sext you when you know they most likely won’t, just makes you look really shitty.
number 4: put effort into your pictures (or videos)
Nothing turns me off quicker than a blurry, unattractive, effortless dick pic. Ok, a lot turns me off quicker than that but know that shitty dick pics make my top 10 list. Seriously. So, ladies, if you can, have some fun by putting on some lingerie or something you feel most confident wearing and take some pics. Hell, maybe even take a little video of you using your favorite toy. And men, just because it’s hard doesn’t mean it’s ready to be photographed/should be photographed. You as well should put some effort into making your pictures and videos super sexy and appealing. And while everybody knows how to take a nude, not everybody is good at it. So, feel free to go to Google and type in “taking nudes” or read the following articles that I recommend reading (and taking notes from) —
- allure’s article on taking nudes
- the cut’s article on getting the best picture
- gq’s nude taking and sending guide
number 5: be fun + use emojis
Let’s face it — emojis are cute and fun and we all know they add a little somethin’ to every text we send, whether it’s sexual or plain. With that being said, do not shy away from or be afraid of using emojis when sexting. With all of the many, many emojis available, it is not hard to find a few emojis that’ll help you further convey your thoughts and feelings when getting all hot via texting. Whether you’re being all flirty and using the blushing smile or the winky face or whether you’re telling them how ya want the D, emojis are oftentimes overlooked when they really can be fun. If you want a more in-depth guide on how to use emojis when sexting/what emojis to use, then I suggest reading this helpful article by Daily Dot.
number 6: be detailed
When sexting, details are so freaking important! You are clearly sexting because you can not physically be with the person to have sex with them so sexting is your way of making up for the distance or whatever it is preventing you from seeing them. That said, make sure that even though it is about having fun, that you use details. Honestly, this should be pretty dang easy if you’ve already met the person and/or have any type of connection and chemistry with them. This is more for those who have yet to meet the other person or are just doing it for fun and have no interest in getting to know the other one involved. No judgment here, my friends. But, above all, use details! Need some help with that or are unsure of what exactly to say? No worries. Refinery29 (one of my fav sites) has a great sexting guide that even includes examples and ideas of what to send, so I would definitely check that out. Also, go ahead and check out relationship coach Jordan Gray’s sexting guide, too! Good luck!
number 7: ask questions
What better way to ensure that the other party is equally as engaged (and entertained) as you than to ask them questions!? Here are some great questions to ask that will allow you to check-in with the other person as well as keep things hot and sexy:
- what do you want me to do to you?
- what would you be doing to me if I was there right now?
- tell me how you want it?
- are you wet/hard? can i see?
- want would you want me to be doing to you if I was there?
Those are just a few examples of questions/prompts you can use when sexting to make sure the conversation is engaging and fulfilling.
number 8: enjoy and have fun
That is right, Cocktale Clubbers — have fun! Sexting is a great way to keep the romance alive when apart and it also serves as a great tool to help you 1. learn about yourself and your likes/dislikes and 2. your partner’s likes and dislikes. And while sexting may be out of your comfort zone and even awkward at first, you will get better with time. Only ever do what feels right and comfortable for you and never feel pressured to say/do things you know you don’t want to. But if you’re onboard to sext, have fun! And there you have it, friends — your guide to sexting!
Do you like sexting? If so, what does and doesn’t work for you? Tell me below!
Thanks for reading! Please continue to stay safe, healthy, and quarantined!